l'art pour l'art or ars gratin artis

For the most part, I think of myself as an artist. I would even venture to say that I am a "Renaissance Man" except that the Renaissance ended some time in the 16th Century and that I actually produce very little. This makes me something more akin to Jeremy from the Beatles' movie Yellow Submarine.

I would love to be able to paint more, write more, play more music, perform more, but, I am a busy stay at home dad and to take time for this would be selfish.

Or is this just a convenient way of not doing the hard work involved in producing art?

See, my struggle with this is that everything I do has to be good. I am competing with my peers, or at least avoiding looking bad in front of them. And the funny part is that I know the only way to make great things is to fail along the way. And even what some might consider to be great I will find to be below par.

This puts me in a crazy little cycle. I can't fail so I won't do. The standard that hold for myself far outranks my ability and my ability will not improve unless I take those chances.

"Do I dare to eat a peach?" (The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T. S. Eliot)

I have a little tiny business doing freelance graphic art. My only real client is Undermain Theatre for whom I design postcards and posters. (There was a mention of my last design in the review of their production of The Shipment on Theater Jones.) I would love to do more. It's difficult. I have a good relationship with the Undermain and there is a great opportunity to make some good, creative, meaningful art. I'm afraid that other clients won't get that. They'll just want something to stick on a card or website that looks like what everyone else has and that's it.

This fear doesn't pay the bills. Or, moreover, doesn't make for better creativity.

Years ago I was a "personal chef" to a couple of families. What I found after a while was that I didn't like cooking for strangers. They didn't "get it", the love and soul that I put into what I was making for them. They we're just standing in front of the 'fridge eating out of the Tupperware™.

So now I cook for free and this makes me very happy. I don't know if I could afford to do this with art.

So, I have started a blog.

I wonder why, but I also know why. I've always had fantasies of blogging... obviously I need to get out more... but I always doubted my abilities to consistently blog. I'm not a big talker. I'm not comfortable running a LiveJournal type existence. I'm far too worried that my blogging won't live up to my potential. I am far too guarded to let you people in to my world. I'm afraid I won't be funny enough. I worry about my grammar (thank god for those little red squiggly lines).

For some time now I have struggled with the social aspect of the internets, balancing halfway between resentment and addiction. Having a presence on the 'net runs the risk of ego propping and and a narcissistic existence. But I do have something to say. I am an insatiable commenter, often getting into debates. This is not a good thing, I really need to channel it into something more... productive? positive?... something more not like that.

So, I start my first entry with some trepidation. I hope that you, dear reader, will stay with me. I want to blog daily, I promise not to argue and I will brush my teeth before typing one word.